HOLY MOTHER OF VAGINAS
I dont remember when was the last time I read something this funny , and laughed my ass out loud . Hell , I was rolling out loud , with tears in my eyes . Funny , I was pretty close to being kicked out of my house and sent to a mental asylum , hehe !
So , I wanted to do something different for this review . Firstly I needed to find me a Claire Morgan , Carter Ellis and Gavin Allen Morgan
. Fuck , I tried to look for the images I had in mind for these charcters , but I couldn't find . Even If I did , I couldn't post them here HTML code problem and all , Dafuq ??!
. So yeah , then my brain thought the odd thing of drawing them up , like using the paint application on windows and all but then I remembered that I had absolutely zero drawing skills and that I always scored an F in my Arts and Drawing classes ,and my arts teacher always wished that by some miracle of God I would be finally manage to score a D or a C but then that never happened Pfffft
yeah so where was I , oh yeah so I'm gonna skip the whole picture thing and get on with this review okie ..
* Cue oh-looooook-its-a-movie-trailer music , which is sort of like those Ace Ventura movie trailers ... Eeek , now I'm not sure * Meet Claire Morgan "Please God don't let me ever come face-to-face with this man, I beg of you. I will look at his crotch and see cloves of garlic popping out of his dick" "Note to self: apologize to Liz for calling her a Sadistic Vagina-Nazi Bitch every time she made a Brazilian wax appointment for me. Because of her dedication to my who-ha, Carter doesn't have to discover a wildebeest in my pants right now and stop what he's doing to go in search of a weed whacker " "I AM A DIRTY, DIRTY SLUT!"
"I don't wanna be def. Death. Dead. This Burger Twin nappykin just got served as my will, BEOTCH! The fries here suck, by the way. If I die, don't feed my son your shitty fries. Don't give my son to the creepy child molester king you put in your commercials either. What the fuck is wrong with that guy? He's got a normal body and a plastic face that is always smiley. It's not right, man. It's just not right. My ears feel funny."
She is not your average woman . She swears like its nobody's business and she's sarcastic as fuck . Meet Carter Ellis ...... and I feel like I'm in the Matrix.
I wonder if I could lean back on my bar stool and do that cool move from the movie where I dodge bullets in slow motion while suspended in mid-air? I need a cool black leather jacket and my hair slicked back. I wonder if they used wires or if that Keanu guy could really bend like that? I bet he does that yoga shit. He looks like the kind of guy that does Downward Facing Dog.
Heh, heh, downward dog. That's funny. I should get a dog. "Right, because I am the king of all things sexual. My penis can make grown women weep in the streets. " "The idea of something vibrating by my balls made me nervous. What if it short-circuited? Great Balls of Fire didn't need to occur in the bedroom. And the smell of burning nut hair was sure to kill the mood. " "So that explains the weird bumps I felt on her ass. I was a little worried there for a minute that she might have boils or some creepy skin condition I didn't know about.
Carter is a really awkward guy with a awkward brain that is constantly worried about throwing up , hurling and vomit . He also has a serious phobia to 'poop'..
Carter and Claire meet at a frat party , get drunk , have sex without even getting to know each other .... really c'mon .....
The story moves 4 yrs into the future and we have Claire raising a little
child , Gavin on her own . Turns out , Claire decided to run like the wind leaving a hung over and pretty naked Carter on his own . And thats not it , she got knocked up , pretty bad huh ?!!
So anyways , Problem is Carter doesn't know that he is now a dad and is already nursing a broken heart , yup , he breaks up with his girlfriend and moves to Butler
Claire and Carter come face to face , but he cant remember her , although he keeps talking about a girl he slept with four years ago who smells like chocolates . But soon things go haywire and discoveries are made . Whats gonna happen next , well get the book , read it and find out .
Like I mentioned earlier , this book was FUCKIN HILARIOUS !! Really , picture me doing all this :
and more .
What I really enjoyed about it was , that even though it sounds all cliche , it was sooo not that . It didnt have Carter running around Claire asking him to forgive him and accept him for the good of their son . Instead , it was one of those romances where the gal and the guy hit it off instantly and try and find a happy ending . Now that is what I like
Gavin , the four year old kid was definitely the highlight for me in this book . His fav words bein weiner , boobs , holy shit , dick , vagina ..... And for holy smokin sake , which four year old crooned to Rihanna's S&M and Lady GaGa's Bad Romance , correction , Bad Bromance .
Yeah , definitely praying for a Son like him people !!!
Add to this list Claire BBF , Liz a woman blessed with the knowledge of sex
and Jim and Jenny and her atrocious vocab skills
, Claire's dad , who seemed like a weathered down version of Chuck Norris minus the cowboy hat and with lots of tat's okay maybe not
, Carter's BBF , Drew and his funny T-shirts and you have a story filled with laughter , giggles and gags .. Gags ?? yeah maybe ...
This book is definitely a must read if you love laugh out loud comedy with a gracious coating of romance . Seduction and Snacks is one helluva of a lip smacking , finger licking treat to die for .